Illuminated Seers of Bavaria

Following is a letter to Malaclypse the Younger, cofounder of Discordianism, from Mad Malik of the Illuminati. It gives a brief overview of the Illuminati's history and some of its current projects. Of course, Malik may be lying to Mal in order to obscure the real goals and history of the Illuminati. Since there is a good chance that Mal would see through this rather simple-minded ruse, Malik may be telling the precise truth and assuming that Mal would never believe that he (referring to Malik, not that it matters; this isn't going to start making sense even if the pronouns are properly matched) would ever do such a thing. Naturally, Malik knows Mal well enough to assume that Mal would assume that he (doesn't matter) would figure that out, too.
      In this case, probability theory shows that no matter what you believe, you'll probably be wrong. If you want to know the real poop, you may tender your application to the Illuminati (of course, if you're slow-witted enough to believe that there is a real poop to be known, they'll probably never let you in on what it is).
      Without further adoo-doo, here is a letter from A.I.S.B. to POEE:
From: MAD MALIK Hauptscheissmeister

Dear Brother Mal-2,
      In response to your request for unclassified agitprop to be inserted in the new edition of Principia, hope the following will be of use. And please stop bothering us with your incessant letters!
      Episkopos Mordecai, Keeper of the Notary Sojac, informs me that you are welcome to reveal that our oldest extant records show us to have been fully established in Atlantis, circa 18,000 B.C., under Kull, the galley slave who ascended to the Throne of Valusia. Revived by Pelias of Koth, circa 10,000 B.C. Possibly it was he who taught the inner-teachings to Conan of Cimmeria after Conan became King of Aquilonia. First brought to the western hemisphere by Conan and taught to Mayan priesthood (Conan is Quetzlcoatl). That was 4 Ahua, 8 Cumhu, Mayan date. Revived by Abdul Alhazred in his infamous Al Azif, circa 800 A.D. (Al Azif translated into Latin by Olaus Wormius, 1132 A.D., as The Necronomicon.) In 1090 A.D. was the founding of The Ismaelian Sect (Hashishim) by Hassan i Sabbah, with secret teachings based on Alhazred, Pelias and Kull. Founding of the Illuminated Ones of Bavaria, by Adam Weishaupt, on May 1, 1776. He based it on the others. Weishaupt brought it to the United States during the period that he was impersonating George Washington; and it was he who was the Man in Black who gave the design for The Great Seal to Jefferson in the garden that night. The Illuminated tradition is now, of course, in the hands of The Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria (A.I.S.B.), headquartered here in the United States.
      Our teachings are not, need I remind you, available for publication. No harm, though, in admitting that some of them can be found disguised in Joyce's Finnegan's Wake, Burroughs Nova Express, the King James translation of the Holy Bible (though not the Latin or Hebrew), and The Blue Book. Not to speak of Ben Franklin's private papers (!), but we are still suppressing those.
      Considering current developments -- you know the ones I speak of -- it has been decided to reveal a few more of our front organizations. Your publication is timely, so mention that in addition to the old fronts like the Masons, the Rothchild Banks, and the Federal Reserve System, we now have significant control of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (since Hoover died last year, but that is still secret), the Students for a Democratic Society, the Communist Party USA, the American Anarchist Assn., the Junior Chamber of Commerce, the Black Lotus Society, the Republican Party, the John Dillinger Die For You Society, and the Camp Fire Girls. It is still useful to continue the sham of the Birchers that we are seeking world domination; so do not reveal that political and economic control was generally complete several generations ago and that we are just playing with the world for a while until civilization advances sufficiently for phase five.
      In fact you might still push Vennard's The Federal Reserve Hoax: ``Since the Babylonian Captivity there has existed a determined, behind-the-scenes under-the-table, atheistic, satanic, anti-Christian force -- worshipers of Mamon -- whose undying purpose is world control through the control of Money. July 1, 1776 (correct that to May 1st, Vennard can't get anything right) the Serpent raised its head in the under-ground secret society known as the Illuminati, founded by Adam Weishaupt. There is considerable documentary evidence to prove all revolutions, wars, depressions, strikes and chaos stem from this source.'' Etc., etc., you know the stuff.
      The general location of our US HQ, incidentally, has been nearly exposed; and so we will be moving for the first time this century (what a drag!). If you want, you can reveal that it is located deep in the labyrinth of sewers beneath Dealy Plaza in Dallas, and is presided over by The Dealy Lama. Inclosed are some plans for several new potential locations. Please review and add any comments you feel pertinent, especially regarding the Eristic propensity of the Pentagon site.
      Oh, and we have some good news for you, Brother Mal! You know that Zambian cybernetics genius who joined us? Well, he has secretly co-ordinated the FBI computers with the Zurich System and our theoriticians are in ecstasy over the new information coming out. Look, if you people out there can keep from blowing yourselves up for only two more generations, then we will finally have it. After 20,000 years, Kull's dream will be realized! We can hardly believe it. But the outcome is certain, given the time. Our grandchildren, Mal! If civilization makes it through this crises, our grandchildren will live in a world of authentic freedom and authentic harmony and authentic satisfaction. I hope I'm alive to see it, Mal, success is in our grasp. Twenty thousand years....!
      Ah, I get spaced just thinking about it. Good luck on the Principia. Ewige Blumenkraft! HAIL ERIS.
Mad Malik