Lord Omar's Doktorin on Evil
Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst,
apparently having heard quite
enough of my rhetoric concerning single-ply toilet paper being caused directly
by Greyface (a doctrine which I didn't even invent, mind you), rebuked
me with the following letter:
Dear Reverend Al,
pentagrams (as opposed to circles, which are for squares) there has been much
recent discussion of the Problem of Evil -- a redundancy. (Evil is always a
problem and all problems are evil.)
As the most authoritative writer of religious letters since the Epistle Paul,
I will share with you my own humble personal opinion about this -- which you
are absolutely and completely free to dispute, if you don't mind undergoing
Ancient Greeks thought
Herself was the root of all evil. That was obviously nonsense. Eris is a
goddess, not a root.
According to Robert Anton Wilson, evil arises when Satanic priesthoods, seeking
physical immortality, perform mass sacrifices to Lovecraftian monsters in
conveniently located dimensions. Wilson, however, is an author of fiction --
and a bald-headed liar, besides.
My introduction to
said evil is caused by
So now your publications are even blaming the poor guy for single-ply toilet
I confess I was under a lot of pressure when I wrote that piece. Not only was
I being paid by the word, I was hard-up for material.
``A chao that cannot be milked for a good joke is not the
Discussing the disgusting is always good for a gag or two. Most people who
don't find Greyface disgusting are at least disgusted by the Devil. That is to
say, the Devil disgusts them and, come to think of it, they might well disgust
the Devil as well. (Oh, well -- what a disgusting mire of ambiguous syntax!)
Whichever -- appointing Greyface Devil was good for a laugh, and a few bucks.
What with pot prices these days, when the True Man says nothing he lacks
Theological hairsplitting -- like how many angels can stand on the point of a
pin (answer: one, but not for long) -- is unfortunately necessary here.
Technically, the Greyface Devil is only what he is called (his name). What he
really is (his function) is the Archtypical Hell-Bringing Buddha.
Subcarnation Hell-Bringing Buddhas (not to be confused with Hell-Raising
Buddhas) include Frankenchrist, Elvis Hitler, Lazarus Babaloo and Nixon Quayle.
They are mortal, but can always be revived somehow for yet one more exciting
Hell-Bringing Buddhas do not really cause evil; they simply deliver it --
preferably while it is still piping hot.
Evil itself, you vicious asshole, is impersonal.
- Here be the Doktorin:
Evil originates in Obstinate Inanimate Objects -- thus called because they are
all three: Obstinate, Inanimate and Objectionable.
Examples are wrong keys that won't fit into right locks, tools that hide from
you when you need them worst, pills that fall on the floor instead of into
your mouth, joints that run or burn out and pens that shake so badly you cannot
express your rage over such things in a clear hand.
Astrology can probably explain why Obstinate Inanimate Object Activity
Intervals (``flop flaps'') happen more on bad than good days.
A Zen proverb
informs us that the Buddha is toilet paper. Moreover, your naive Greyface
toilet paper Devil theory is even challenged somewhere in your own Five
Non-Prophets of Discordia. (Exactly where I cannot say because my copy of
that Writ is at this moment itselt a Fugitive Obstinate Inanimate Object -- an
OIO that has misplaced itself in order to thwart the Great Work at Hand.)
Nevertheless, all talk of evil requires belief in morality. As some other
Erisian wrote: ``Discordians believe in morality because, given an infinite
universe, morality must exist somewhere.'' (Alas, I'm unable to credit that
line because the newsletter where it appeared is also a Fugitive OIO.)
What is important, incidentally enough, is that there is a way to rid the whole
universe of every last evil once and for all. Namely, wage a total war of
extreme extermination against each Obstinate Ininimate Object which dares defy
your Conscious Will!
Exactly here is where the Blunted Sword of Reason has led us most astray.
Lacking any capacity to doubt logical propositions, we con ourselves into
thinking that fits of temper against Obstinate Inanimate Objects do no good!
Not only does that ignore the blatantly obvious deterrent value of such Holy
Wrath, it overlooks the capacity of our Divine Fury to reduce and finally
eradicate the entire population of Obstinate Inanimate Objects.
But while ``Old Barren Reason,'' the Deceiver of the Unbeliever, bequiles us with
silly notions, in our guts we have always known what really works.
Thus is it written in The Honest Book of Truth: ``If thy zipper offendeth
thee, rip that fucker off! If thy cupboard door bangeth they head, slam that
bastard -- yea, even unto splinters smite that evil sonofabitch!''
Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia! And Hail Yes!
Kerry Wendell Thornley, Philosophical Prankster
I, of course, answered his magnificent missive