Summoning of Ge'on-Ee Kharrs'n the Immortal

Graven image of The Lehter Man, Impish spawn of Ge'on-Ee and Purveyor of ``Top 10'' lists.
This is the most powerful Summoning which is yet extant in the anals annals of the Anus Orificii Luminus; it is part of a Great Work which will bring forth a new Æon in which our Stale Masters will gain new prominence in the Grinning World.

Because of its potency when done aright and its impotency when done awrong, this ritual is denied to all who have not achieved the rank of Icksissimus. As with most of the Greater Summonings, the Dupes will ever execute the Ritual with the highest degree of perfect mediocrity.

So ye know and understand, this Ritual will aid in delivering forth the entire Form of the ``Top Reasons Why the One is Better than the Other'' joke to the Stale Old Ones, that no such list will ever move men to Laughter again. When this Work is complete (and its completion is near, Cara Sphincter! Its fruition will surely come to pass before the dawn of the next millenium!), it will usher in the Æon of Horace, named in honor of AOL Elder Pucker Horace Ickmeisterissingerben, who penned the first ``Top Ten Reasons Why The Plague Is Better Than Women'' in 1342 with the intent of creating a new joke form, raising it to immaturity and then sacrificing it to his grey Masters.

Read the following incomplete Formula, and commit it to memory. Recite it to several friends, making certain to laugh each time (Lo! Laugh heartily with Joy at the very Death of Laughter, the Coming of the Stale Old Ones!).

  1. You can GET chocolate.
  2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
  3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
  4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
  5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
  6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
  7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
  8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
  9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
  10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
  11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
  12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
  13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
  14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
  15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
  16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
  17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
  18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
  19. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good
  20. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

After seven days of recitation, you are ready to complete the as-yet-incomplete Formula. In order to do so, you must create a new 20th item which you have not seen before. This item must be crafted with the utmost care, and the formula will be incomplete and nullified if it is done improperly. The 20th item must be both new and old -- lo, truly must it be born aged; its life force must be ripped from it before even it has tasted life; it must be as grapes which, e'en on the vine, are swollen with vinegar (and are so in fullness, as the Barber's Cat!). It must be such that one could truly say of it ``That used to be funny,'' without it ever having been funny. If this Mystery escapes you, if this task is beyond your Disingenium -- abandon the Ritual and forget the Formula; it is not for you.

Once you have penned the new Entry, this list must be seen by no fewer than 100,000 victims. The Formula must touch every Land, cross every Ocean -- indeed, pass over every Hovel and Palace as the Shadow of Dearth! As you deliver your new Formula forth, make the Sign of the Problematic Imbibement, as follows:

1. 2. 3.
Close your hand as if around the Grail itself, full to overflowing with the Blessings and Wisdom of Eris Discordia. Then raise your hand to thwack most soundly upon your forehead, missing completely your mouth and all other orifices of imbibement. This represents the rejection of your role as a Vessel for the Divine Intoxication.

When the Ritual is complete, raise your voice in welcome of our New Æon and our Old Masters!

Öy! Öy! Hieeeeeeerz Ge'on-Ee!
Öy! Öy! Hieeeeeeerz Ge'on-Ee!