Summoning of Phunn E'phax, Spawn of a Thousand Telephone Connections
First, the preparation of the Sigil of Phunn E'phax must be undertaken
with the utmost care and precision. With penmanship most Foul or a
manual typewriter most Elderly, scribe
the following Formula onto low-grade paper, as scavenged from the store
room of a boarded-up elementary school:
|Rules For Bedroom Golf
- Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and
- Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. The course
owner will be sole judge of who is the best player of the course.
- Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the
- For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners
are permitted to check shaft for stiffness before play begins.
- Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to
- The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result
in denied permission to play the course again.
- It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
- Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are
currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course
owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
- Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
- Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.
Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else is playing on what they considered to be a private course.
- Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some
players may be embarrased if they find the course to be temporarily under
repair. Players are advised to be exremely tactful in this
situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when
this is the case.
- The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around
the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the
- Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
- Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed
at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
- It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.
After the scribing, prepare two Mechanisms of Facsimile Transference as
described in the Owner's Manuals thereof; FAXmodems have been used with
success for this purpose.
Transfer the Formula between the two Mechanisms at the lowest available
resolution and the highest available contrast four times. As each
Transfer completes, chant aloud:
Öy! Öy! Uh-Phunn E'phax jus kaimin!
Öy! Öy! Uh-Phunn E'phax jus kaimin!
Sigil of Phunn E'phax
Whilst chanting, make the Sign of the Ill-Concealed Insult, as
Clench your hand into a fist, extending your Middle Finger pointedly.
Raise your hand to your face until your extended Middle Finger touches
just above the bridge of your nose midway between your eyes in the manner
of Fixing One's Spectacles, symbolically poking with great audacity the
The force of the Sigil is embodied fully in the fruits of the last
The Sigil must now be transferred to no fewer than 1000 victims -- the
Transference must take place over a telephonic connection,
soundless dedicated lines being insufficient. However, the Target of
Transference need not be other Mechanisms of Facsimile Transference
(though this method is preferred) -- suitable results may be obtained by
enclosing the Sigil as a Multipurpose Internet Mail Extension.