The First Church of
``For unto you is born this day in the city of Memphis a
Presley, which is Elvis the King.''
And Elvis saw them berating the poor recording artist, whose music was
terrible and lyrics insipid, and Lo, the King said unto the mob:
who is without bad singles cast the first rhinestone.'
And the mob turned
down their eyes, each considering his own Don't
Worry Be Happy or Man in the
Mirror, and shuffled off.
`Thank you,' said Elvis. `Thank you very
And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I saw
seven golden records; and in the midst of the seven golden records one like
unto the Son of Zeke, clothed with a jumpsuit down to the foot, and girthed...er...girt about the paunch with rhinestones. His hairs were
black like vinyl, as black as Brilcream; and his eyes, how they twinkled, his
dimples, how merry...
``Who is this King of Rock-n-Roll? The Lord of Hostess, he is the King of
And Elvis so loved the world that he died, fat and bloated, in a bathroom.
He very pointedly did not rise from the dead three days later, but was
nonetheless seen across the world by various and sundry housewives.
Create your own Ain't Nuthin' Butta Hound-Dogmas, but be sure to stay out of
the Sacred Heartbreak Hotel, where damned souls twinkle like stars in the
night, each a Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love.
``Return, we beseech the, O Lord of Hostess: look down from Heaven, and
behold, and visit this mall...''
For further word on the Word (``And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among
us, and did shimmy like unto your sister Kate''), check out the
Elvis Home Page
which includes evidence that
Elvis and Jesus
are the same (for those who haven't figured it out for themselves).
Or, for even deeper and more mystical enlightenment, find yourself a copy of
Elvis After Elvis by Gilbert Rodman, with cover art by none other than
Pope Icky Fundament, PZK. It is available in
the United States as of now, and probably England, too. Scour your local
bookstore for it, as it is a most wonderful tome.
And check this shit out: